


Hitman Professional Pest Control

by meiikoro



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Assassins & Hitmen, Crack, M/M, Pest Control, hitman is an actual company i see ads for it on tv HAHA, if anyone who works at hitman ever sees this im sorry, im sorry dimitri, kind of crack I guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-04
Updated: 2020-03-04
Packaged: 2021-02-23 16:00:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,828
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23014045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meiikoro/pseuds/meiikoro
Summary: Felix can't deal with his roommate, Dimitri, any longer, so he decides to hire a hitman and just get rid of him. The only complication is that hiring a hitman isn't as simple as Felix assumed...
Relationships: Felix Hugo Fraldarius/Sylvain Jose Gautier
Comments: 10
Kudos: 44





	Hitman Professional Pest Control

**Author's Note:**

> This work is dedicated to my friend and editor ♡ Happy birthday!!! Thanks for always helping me with my fics and constantly reminding me to describe everything in detail!!! I really wouldn't have managed to do any of this without you! And of course, thanks for putting up with me screaming about ships you know nothing about - so in return, I decided to write for a ship you love but I know nothing about!! I hope I did them justice (even just a tiny bit)...

Felix Hugo Fraldarius had never felt such rage as he did on his tenth birthday, when his friend Dimitri ate his entire birthday cake. It wasn’t as though Felix had even _wanted_ to eat the cake – he didn’t even like sweet food – but the problem was that Dimitri had just shamelessly devoured _Felix’s_ cake like he was some sort of wild boar.

So what if his excuse was that he apparently had no sense of taste and just wanted to try to find out what cake tasted like? Frankly, Felix couldn’t care less. It was _his_ cake on _his_ tenth birthday, yet Dimitri had unjustly taken it from him, and Felix’s father had just let him get away with it.

But the scandal didn’t end there. Every year, during Felix’s birthday celebrations, Dimitri had eaten something that was rightfully Felix’s. Whether it was a spicy meat dish that Felix had been looking forward to eating, or even a sweet chocolate slice that he wasn’t even planning to touch anyway – all of that seemed to be insignificant to Dimitri, whose life goal was apparently to eat Felix’s food.

After all those incidents of eating Felix’s food, he would’ve assumed Dimitri had developed some taste buds – but no, apparently Dimitri just _had_ to try to find out what everything tasted like.

It was the night of Felix’s twentieth birthday, and Dimitri had committed yet another crime against Felix’s food by eating Felix’s entire plate of roast pork during his birthday lunch.

 _Stupid boar_ , Felix thought as he changed into more casual clothing. _A stupid, cannibalistic boar ate my pork._

As Felix glowered out his window, trying to ignore the clattering from the kitchen as Dimitri unloaded their dishwasher, he wished he hadn’t agreed to become roommates with Dimitri. He almost wished he was living with Ingrid; at least she had enough appreciation of food to know not to just steal it from others.

Speaking of Ingrid, she hadn’t been able to meet them for lunch. She had been working all day, Felix knew, but part of him wanted to ring her, just to complain about Dimitri’s tastebud-testing habits.

He collapsed on his bed and pressed on Ingrid’s name in his contacts. After three rings, she picked up. “Hello? Felix?”

Felix sighed, adjusting a pillow so he could lie comfortably. “It’s my _birthday_ ,” he declared, his voice heavy with resignation. “And Dimitri ate my lunch _again_.”

Ingrid giggled, and Felix immediately felt betrayed. Ingrid had always sided with him on the matter, but now she was _laughing_ at him. “Oh, Felix,” she said, and Felix wished she didn’t find the situation as amusing as she apparently did. “I can’t talk right now – I’m really busy. You could just, uh, kill him, I guess. I don’t know. I’ll talk to you later, okay?”

She hung up before Felix could even say goodbye.

 _Well, that was helpful_ , Felix grumbled to himself, flipping over and burying his face in his pillow. He couldn’t exactly kill Dimitri, as wonderful as that would be. It would be too difficult to get away with murder in this day and age.

But not if he got someone else to do it for him.

Suddenly the realisation struck him – he could hire a hitman. Surely it wouldn’t be too hard to find a hitman _somewhere_ ; they had to be out there.

Practically jumping up to move into a seated position, Felix opened his browser and typed _hitman near me_ into the search engine. And sure enough, the first search result was a phone number, bold and enticing on his screen.

“Felix?” Felix could hear Dimitri’s voice from the kitchen. “I’m going to go over to Byleth’s tonight, but I emptied the dishwasher anyway, so there are clean plates if you want to cook for yourself.”

Surely it was a little too soon for Dimitri to talk about food in front of Felix.

“Alright,” Felix called back, just wanting Dimitri to hurry up and leave so that he could book a hitman.

He waited, watching out the window until he could see Dimitri leaving, before dialling the number on the screen.

“Hello? Hitman Professional Pest Control – how may I help you this evening?” declared the voice on the other end of the line. He sounded strangely enthusiastic, especially for someone who was blatantly declaring that he was part of a hitman business.

You’d think they’d try to cover it up a bit better, Felix thought, definitely becoming concerned about the company’s security status. The name ‘Pest Control’ did have a nice ring to it, though, Felix had to admit. There was something so satisfying about thinking of Dimitri as a pest.

Felix took a deep breath. It was now or never. “Hi,” he began slowly, scratching his head as he wondered what he was actually supposed to say in order to arrange a hitman. “I’d like to arrange a… uh… a hitman.”

The representative on the phone laughed a little too brightly, so much so that Felix wondered if it was forced. “Well, that’s what we’re here for. Come on, then. Tell me about your, shall we say, target.”

Felix tilted his head and adjusted the blanket he had wrapped over his legs. There was something familiar about this guy’s voice, but he just couldn’t place where he’d heard it. Maybe it was just generic, he decided, before turning his attention back to the more pressing matter at hand. “He’s the most incredibly frustrating creature I’ve ever met. Overly aggressive, steals my food, stupid, useless…”

When Felix finally finished listing just about everything he could think of, he was met with a response of, “That’s certainly something intimidating. But how about being more specific. Could you give me a description of the pest’s physical characteristics?”

 _The pest._ Once again, Felix felt a strange sense of smugness in hearing that the person he was talking to clearly understood how much of a pain it was to live with Dimitri. “Okay,” he said, very much willing to oblige. “Uh, big, blond, very small brain, one sneaky blue eye, no taste buds, wears a lot of fur, and then sheds that fur _everywhere_ , takes up a lot of room that I could be using. I really could go on, you know.”

The employee on the phone hummed to himself. “Does it look poisonous?” he inquired.

“It’s been poisoning my life for the past twenty years,” Felix lamented, throwing his pillow across the room in a sudden burst of anger.

Sounding confused, the employee pointed out rather condescendingly, “Then why are you only calling _now_ about it?”

Felix pinched the bridge of his nose. “The pest obviously isn’t going to fight me with a sword like a man, so I’ve turned to assassination.”

“Pretty darn long time to be living with it,” the guy on the other end of the line remarked, and the more Felix listened to his voice, the more irritating he found it. “You ever just try spraying it?”

Felix sighed loudly and went to retrieve the pillow he’d chucked onto the floor. “If I could have killed him, I would’ve done so long ago, believe me.”

“Alright,” the employee said hurriedly, almost as though he didn’t care about Felix’s dilemma. Which was unfair, Felix decided, considering how hitmen should probably know find out about everything about their targets. “We’ll send our very best hitman – probably me, of course – over to deal with your pest problem. What time suits?”

“As soon as possible,” Felix blurted, changing his phone to the other ear. “Tomorrow, even.”

The employee snickered, and Felix resented him more and more. “Sounding a bit desperate there, huh? We can come first thing tomorrow and get everything set up, so could you provide us with your name and address?”

Felix suddenly realised he would be giving his personal details to a company of hitmen. But there was no other choice, he told himself sternly. He had to go through with this.

“You’d better not attack me too, or you’ll regret it,” he threatened, trying his best to sound intimidating. Yes, he wanted to get rid of Dimitri, but that didn’t mean he wanted to get rid of _himself_ in the process.

The employee laughed again, but frankly, Felix couldn’t see what was so funny. “Don’t worry, our hitmen follow a very strict policy,” he reassured him. “You’ll be completely fine. We can even loan you some protective gear for no added cost, if you’d like to be extra safe.”

Felix pulled his hair out of its ponytail, strangely glad to hear that these hitmen seemed to have all their bases covered. “Okay. I’ll take you up on that offer.”

“Okay then. Now, your name and address?” the other man repeated.

“Felix Fraldarius,” he sighed. _If I get spam mail from this company advertising hitmen for the rest of my life, I’m definitely going to regret it,_ Felix told himself, _but it’s worth it._

To his surprise, the employee inhaled sharply.

“Something wrong?” Felix demanded, wondering if he was perhaps going to make fun of his name.

“No, nothing at all,” the employee reassured him, but Felix didn’t believe him. “Just choked on a bit of air.”

Not completely convinced, Felix narrowed his eyes. If a hitman was prepared to lie to him about something so trivial, he could’ve been lying this entire time. For all he knew, this could be a scam set up by the government so they could keep track of murderous behaviour.

Felix really didn’t want to get arrested; he’d probably be disowned.

Licking his lips, Felix wondered what the total cost of this sort of operation would be; he hadn’t considered that earlier, but now that he thought about it, hiring a hitman would probably be quite pricey.

He was only a student, after all. He might have unlimited hatred towards Dimitri, but he didn’t have unlimited money.

He didn’t want to demand to know the price outright and sound like a cheapskate in case it gave the company representative the impression that he wasn’t serious about this whole operation, so he said as casually as possible, “I suppose I should pay you when the assassination is complete.”

Felix hoped that the representative would take the hint and tell him how much he’d have to pay to get rid of Dimitri.

The employee laughed at him again. Felix was really starting to get sick of this mockery. “We usually require our clients to pay in advance. Otherwise, how are we going to know that you’ll actually pay us?”

“How am I going to know that you’ll actually kill him if I pay now?” Felix demanded, starting to feel his temper heating up. “You’re a hitman – I don’t think you understand the implications of that!”

 _Calm down_ , he instructed himself, clutching his pillow to his chest. _They’re hitmen. Don’t offend him. Surely I can reason with him and we can come to some sort of deal._

Taking a deep breath, Felix muttered, “Half now, half once deed is done.”

“God, you’re a picky one,” the employee griped, but sighed in agreement. “Alright. It’ll be $250 total, so that’ll be $125 now and $125 once we’ve completed the pest treatment. Now, how would you like to pay for that?”

Felix reached over the bed to grab his credit card from his wallet, but something stopped him. “Wait. I want to pay with cash.”

That way, a company of hitmen wouldn’t have his credit card details.

“ _Fine_ ,” the hitman groaned. “Pay me when I arrive. I’m not doing anything for you without payment.”

“Fine,” Felix declared, making a mental note to get some cash out of an ATM before he forgot all about it, just in case the hitman decided to come for him as well.

“Soon enough, you’ll be pest-free,” the employee said ominously, before hanging up.

***

The next morning, Felix woke to the sound of the doorbell ringing. For a moment, he wondered if Dimitri had forgotten to take his keys when he went to Byleth’s for the night, but when he blearily looked out the window and saw a van parked outside, Felix remembered.

The hitman had arrived.

Felix pulled on some jeans and an ironed shirt before hurriedly brushing his teeth and stuffing a wad of cash into his pocket, hoping he looked presentable. He certainly needed to make a good impression on the hitman.

Racing downstairs to meet the hitman on the ground floor of the apartment, Felix tied his hair up and prayed that he hadn’t made a mistake.

“Hello,” he called a little breathlessly, skidding to a halt and opening the front door.

The man who met him was wearing a bright orange full-body protection suit, and Felix suddenly wondered what exactly his hired hitman was going to do in order to kill Dimitri. He hoped they weren’t going to be spraying any dangerous chemicals in the apartment; body corporate would _definitely_ have something to say about that.

The man lifted up his helmet, and Felix was met with a shockingly familiar face and an even more shocking mop of orange hair that perfectly matched his outfit. “ _Sylvain_?”

Now Felix knew why that voice on the phone had sounded so familiar.

Sylvain smiled awkwardly, running a hand through his hair. “It’s been a while, huh, Felix?”

Suddenly conscious of just about everything around him, Felix covered his face with his hands. “God, Sylvain, since when were you a hitman? And why the hell didn’t you mention anything when we were on the phone?”

With a shrug, Sylvain remarked, “Who knows?”

Alongside Dimitri and Ingrid, Sylvain had been one of Felix’s childhood friends, but over the past few years, Felix had found himself growing distant from Sylvain for some unknown reason, and now, he realised how long it had been since they’d spoken.

Another thing he remembered was how Sylvain had always encouraged Dimitri to try Felix’s food. Felix had such a vivid recollection of Sylvain convincing Dimitri that he would never know what anything tasted like if he didn’t just try it.

Sylvain crossed his arms over his bulky suit. “Why are you glaring at me, Felix? You’re the one who stopped talking to me!”

Felix took a step back. And then another. “I’m not paying you. I don’t trust you as a hitman.”

Sylvain tried to reason with him, opening his arms in protest. He looked so pathetic, standing there in that stupid suit, Felix thought. “Come on, Felix. Hitman Professional Pest Control is the best in the business – have you even read our credentials?”

Felix would never admit to Sylvain’s face that he had _not_ , in fact, read his company’s credentials, so he just turned his head away.

“Look,” Sylvain said seriously, moving to stand in Felix’s field of vision. “I’m sorry if I’ve done something wrong in the past that made you hate me or whatever, but I’m here now. To do my job. I have a duty to my company, to you, and to the world of pest extermination – and I’m going to fulfil it.”

“Fine.” Felix grabbed Sylvain’s orange-clad hand and slapped the money into it. “Do your worst. But first, go back to your van and get that your gear and that extra suit you promised me. It’s ugly as hell, but there’s no way I’m getting myself killed as well.”

Felix quickly turned on his heel and headed in the opposite direction, but if he had stayed for a moment longer, he would’ve seen the soft grin on Sylvain’s face.

***

“I look ridiculous,” Felix grumbled, inspecting the suit he had pulled on over his clothes. “Why do you even wear these?” he demanded. “You’re a _hitman_ , not a goddamn firefighter.”

Sylvain shook his head, tossing his hair. “Well, you never know what you could encounter in situations like this.” He took a step towards the staircase. “Shall we go up and have a look at your pest?”

Felix licked his lips. “He’s… uh, he’s out.”

Sylvain’s brow furrowed and he placed a hand on Felix’s shoulder.

Felix kind of liked it.

“How,” Sylvain began, looking a lot more worried than Felix had expected him to, “the hell. Has your pest. Gone out.”

Felix shook his hand off with a scowl, wishing Sylvain would stop turning that concerned expression on him. “He goes out sometimes, alright? I know, it’s hard to imagine, but that’s what happens. He goes out to terrorise the neighbourhood, but he’ll be back soon.”

Sylvain nodded slowly, still looking absolutely terrified. “Felix…” He took a deep breath. “It sounds like you’ve got a real problem on your hands.”

 _Idiot,_ Felix scoffed. _Still the same idiot you’ve always been. You’re the one who’s a qualified hitman – you’re supposed to be the one dealing with this properly, not getting scared and looking like you’re going to run away._

“Yeah, yeah, he’s a real pest. I get it,” Felix pointed out, partly because Sylvain was stupid and partly because he almost missed seeing Sylvain’s smile. “It’s okay, though. You’re a hitman. Just set a trap or something and we can snipe him when he comes back.”

Sylvain leant against the wall with a slow laugh. “God, Felix, I wish I had your confidence. You do know that every pest treatment is different and requires thorough consideration, right? I couldn’t find anything in our database that suited all of your descriptions, so I brought along just about everything I could think of to get the situation under control. And _now_ ,” he added, somehow unable to keep the panic out of his voice, “you’ve gone and let it _go out._ ”

Felix gave him a push upstairs. “Stop whinging; you sound like a child. Which isn’t exactly unexpected, I suppose.” Following Sylvain up the stairs, he continued, “I’ll show you around the apartment and you can work out what exactly we’re going to do.”

Upon reaching his floor, Felix let them in and motioned to the area around them as he marched Sylvain through the apartment.

Briskly, because the place was a mess and he couldn’t let Sylvain see that.

“Corridor. Living room. Kitchen. My room. His room. Bathroom. Laundry.”

Sylvain’s eyes were wide. “It has its own _bedroom_?”

Felix rolled his eyes and pulled Sylvain away from Dimitri’s room. “I _know_ – he really doesn’t deserve his own room, but what can I do?”

Felix didn’t think he’d ever seen Sylvain look so terrified.

Sylvain sank into a couch in the living room. “Okay, so we’ve got a massive, hairy, aggressive, hungry, stupid, oafish, _poisonous_ creature living in your apartment. Let’s check every room again, but properly, this time.”

Felix shot him a glare, but still took a seat next to him. “What’s the point in checking the rooms when I’ve already told you that he’s gone out?”

Sylvain turned to look at him with an exasperated sigh. Holding up one hand, he said slowly, “We don’t know what it could’ve left around the house. For all we know, it could be bringing in organic matter. Or breeding.”

Felix gasped in shock, nearly falling off the couch from his utter disbelief. Gripping Sylvain’s shoulder in order to steady himself, he spluttered, “ _Breeding_? Sylvain, he’s bad, but he’s not _that_ bad! God, what do you think he does in there all day? He may seem wild, but he would never _actually_ do that.”

To think that Sylvain thought Dimitri could be breeding! Felix wanted to laugh at the absurdity of it, but there was something a little too terrifying about that thought that he couldn’t even bring himself to laugh.

“ _Ohh._ ” Something suddenly changed in Sylvain’s face and he held up his own hand as though inspecting it, and Felix wondered if he was about to slap himself in the face. He kind of wanted to see it.

“What?” Felix asked, but Sylvain only shook his head, his expression returning to normal.

With a laugh, he brushed it off. “Nothing, nothing.” Standing up from the couch with a groan, he announced, “Your pest may not be breeding, but we can’t rule out the possibility of organic matter. We don’t want your apartment to end up with some sort of infestation.”

Felix still wasn’t sure what Sylvain had been thinking in that brief moment of confusion, but he figured that there was no use dwelling on it.

Sylvain picked up some sort of large spray gun and handed a second one to Felix. “Now,” he declared, taking Felix’s hand and pulling him up off the couch, “let’s check these rooms.”

To be perfectly honest, Felix didn’t really see the point in what Sylvain was doing, but he knew that Sylvain was the one who did this for a living, so hopefully he knew what he was doing.

As he followed Sylvain through every room in the apartment, wearing an ugly orange protection suit and a full-face helmet while carrying a ridiculous spray gun, Felix almost had to admit he was having a good time. Sylvain was definitely better company than Dimitri, and there was something fun about having mindless small talk while actually plotting murder. He even found himself laughing a few times.

When they’d finished meticulously investigating every room, Felix was sure Dimitri should be nearly back, but he was still nowhere to be seen. Sylvain flopped back onto the couch. “Time for our next plan of action,” he decided, tapping on the clear front part of his facial protection helmet. “Maybe we should check the basement, in case your pest has decided to take up residence in there.”

Felix shoved Sylvain off the couch and onto the floor, where he fell with a loud crash. “No. Let’s go into my room; that’s got the best view of the front of the building, so we can see him come in. Literally all you have to do is catch him unawares. He’s not exactly the smartest; I really don’t understand why you think it’s so hard.”

“Fine,” Sylvain huffed, picking himself up off the carpet and grabbing his gear before following Felix into his bedroom.

The fact that Sylvain was sitting on his bed shouldn’t have bothered Felix _at all_. But all of a sudden, Felix felt nervous.

“Sit on the floor,” he commanded, refusing to look at Sylvain lounging on his bed like he owned the place. He shoved his chest of drawers away from the window and motioned for Sylvain to join him next to the window. “Come here – you’ll be able to see him better from here.”

When Sylvain still looked concerned, Felix sighed. “Okay, I suppose you’re worried about somebody seeing you if you kill him in plain daylight. We can scope out the situation in here and let him come inside. Once he goes into his room, you’ll have him cornered. It shouldn’t be too hard from there.” Felix pulled off his headgear. “You _are_ a professional, right?”

Sylvain sighed heavily, taking off his headgear in turn. Felix half expected Sylvain to start trying to lecture him on how life as a hitman was so difficult, but to his surprise, Sylvain crouched down on the floor next to him.

“Look, Felix,” he began, staring directly into Felix’s eyes. Felix had to force himself to maintain eye contact; Sylvain’s gaze was almost _too_ piercing.

“Yeah?” Felix found himself murmuring breathily, hating how his voice rose in pitch. He couldn’t explain it, either; it was almost like something had changed between them since the last time they’d spoken.

Sylvain’s tongue flickered over his lips and Felix somehow couldn’t tear his eyes away. “You’re right. I _am_ a professional. I’ll definitely exterminate this pest, no matter how much of a struggle it may be.” He paused, and Felix wasn’t sure where he was going with this. “So please – have faith in me.”

Felix frowned. That was it? He had thought Sylvain was actually going somewhere with that point, but really, all he wanted was for Felix to believe in his ability as a hitman?

It was strangely endearing, and Felix couldn’t help but let a small smile tug at the corners of his lips.

Sylvain kept looking at him, staring so hard that Felix wondered if there was something wrong. “What?” he demanded, but it came out less aggressively than he had intended.

“It’s been so long since we last hung out,” Sylvain pointed out, his voice no longer serious. He shrugged lightly and flashed a quick grin, shifting his gaze from Felix to out the window. “Why don’t we chat a little to pass the time as we wait?”

Felix adjusted the sleeve of his orange suit, still very much in doubt of Sylvain’s proficiency in assassination. “I really think we should set a trap,” he protested for what felt like the thousandth time. 

In some ways, he was glad that Sylvain had snapped out of this sudden earnestness – for some reason, Felix was finding it difficult to act normally around Sylvain when he looked at him that way – so having a reason to be mildly irritated with Sylvain was definitely a blessing.

Sylvain kicked him teasingly. “I have to see the pest to properly gauge an appropriate method,” he explained, casually leaning against the window.

Felix was tempted to point out that Sylvain knew what Dimitri looked like, but he supposed it was reasonable for Sylvain to want a proper visual idea of what they were up against. After all, Sylvain hadn’t been in contact with Dimitri over the past few years either, so it did make sense that Sylvain would want to confirm all details before making a hasty move.

Neither of them said anything for a few moments. Felix snuck glances at Sylvain, whose foot was still resting on his leg after kicking him. Although they were wearing protective suits, there was something bizarrely intimate about the situation.

Sylvain had definitely grown up nicely, Felix thought lazily. His face settled in a more serious resting expression, but it seemed more peaceful, more genuine.

It was common knowledge that Sylvain was handsome, but Felix had never really thought anything of it until that day.

“So, how’s your life going?” Sylvain’s voice broke into Felix’s thoughts. “Any friends? Anything… more?”

There was an obvious question in Sylvain’s eyes that Felix didn’t exactly want to answer. In fact, why should Sylvain even be interested in his relationship status?

Felix narrowed his eyes and moved his leg away from Sylvain’s foot. “No.”

Sylvain blew a raspberry and ran his fingers through his hair. “Come on, Felix. Surely there’s a lucky girl out there. Or guy,” he amended hurriedly, suddenly sounding a little flustered. “I wouldn’t judge, obviously.”

With a scowl, Felix pointedly turned his attention out the window, not wanting to meet Sylvain’s gaze. “There isn’t,” he said shortly, intending to leave the conversation there, but something possessed him to add quickly, “but it’s good that you wouldn’t judge.”

There was silence for a second, and Felix could see Sylvain’s face in the reflection of the window. His expression was unreadable – he couldn’t actually tell whether Sylvain was surprised or not – but Felix was almost completely sure that Sylvain knew what he had meant. After a brief moment, Sylvain muttered, “O-oh. Yeah, I – yeah. That’s cool. And for the record, I also – wouldn’t want to be judged. If you know what I mean.”

Felix didn’t say anything. “Okay,” he said eventually, finally turning back around to look Sylvain in the eye. That was enough reassurance in itself, he figured, considering how neither of them had ever really been the type to discuss anything personal. 

Again, neither of them spoke, until Sylvain took it upon himself to address the matter that they’d both been avoiding since they met again.

“So, would you mind telling me why exactly you decided to distance yourself from me?” Sylvain asked, his tone light but his undertone interrogative, edging closer to Felix on the floor.

Felix edged away. “I don’t know.”

Another conversation he didn’t want to have.

“Come on,” Sylvain pressed, moving closer again and gently elbowing Felix in the side. “If we’re going to be friends again, we might as well start off on the same page as each other.”

With a sigh, Felix took hold of Sylvain’s elbow. “I don’t know how it happened,” he admitted truthfully, really starting to wonder why any of it had actually happened. “I just remember we were just starting to get along so much better back then – and then I must’ve ruined it somehow.”

He didn’t want to look Sylvain in the eye; he didn’t want to see reflected back at him the resentment he held for himself for distancing them.

“I’m sorry,” Felix said softly, but he didn’t have time to hear Sylvain’s response, because he had just caught a glimpse through the window of Dimitri returning to the apartment. “Sylvain!” he hissed, flattening himself onto the floor and pulling Sylvain down with him. “He’s coming inside! Get ready to kill him!”

Sylvain peered out the window with a sigh of resignation. “Felix,” he began seriously, propping himself up on one elbow so that he was no longer lying flat on his stomach. “Hitman Professional Pest Control isn’t a company for killing people. We aren’t actual hitmen. When I say ‘pest control’, I mean literal pest control. I kill bugs, Felix. And although you may regard Dimitri as lesser than a bug, I do not have the heart – nor, in fact, the skill set of an _actual_ hitman – to kill him.”

Felix wanted to scream. He should’ve checked the company’s credentials, like Sylvain had said! “I can’t believe I was so _stupid_!” he seethed, slamming a fist against the floor before realisation hit him. “And you thought – for this entire time – you thought that I was talking about some sort of poisonous creature living in my apartment?”

He had expected Sylvain to yell at him, to claim that Felix was an idiot to not be more specific about what he was actually exterminating, but to Felix’s immense shock, Sylvain shook his head slowly.

“That’s what I thought at first,” Sylvain admitted, and this time, _he_ was the one refusing to meet Felix’s gaze. “To be honest, I was absolutely terrified by the description you gave of him – I genuinely thought you were talking about some sort of massive creature. But when you reacted so strangely to my concerns about there being a creature breeding in your apartment, I realised that you were talking about Dimitri. And that you thought I was an actual hitman.”

“Then why the hell didn’t you tell me?” Felix demanded, hating how weirdly apologetic Sylvain sounded about it all. Usually he’d just laugh it off, but this time it felt different. “Why did you let me go on thinking you were a hitman after you realised our misunderstanding?”

Sylvain took a deep breath. “I don’t know. It’s been so long since we’ve talked, and I actually had a lot of fun going on a stupid bug hunt with you. Stupid, I know. But that’s just how it is. I’m sorry for ruining your murder plans and wasting your time.” He stood up slowly, still not looking Felix in the eye. “I should probably go back to the office now. You don’t have to pay me the extra $125.”

Felix was lost for words. He didn’t even know what to think about all of this. He would’ve normally felt betrayed by something like this, but for some reason, the worst part was how dejected Sylvain looked.

He was about to open his mouth, trying to think of something to say, when Sylvain’s phone rang.

“Hello? Oh, uh, yes, I’ve just finished up with a client in the area. I can come over and help out now.” He hung up and turned to Felix. “That was work. Apparently some idiot in the area had an accident with a small beehive, and now they’ve let the entire hive loose in their house. That’s what you get for setting up your goddamn beehive _inside_ the house.” He cracked a smile, and Felix was strangely glad to see it. “They’ve asked me to come in and try to get the situation under control before an actual beekeeper can help them out. It’s… going to be tough. I’ve never actually been in a situation where I’m not supposed to _kill_ the insects.” With a slightly panicked laugh, he added, “I’m not even entirely sure why they want me there or what I’m supposed to do.”

Before Felix could even process the information, he found himself blurting, “I’m already wearing the gear. I probably can’t actually do anything, but I guess I can help you carry stuff. Or whatever you’re doing.”

He thought Sylvain was going to laugh and assure him that he wouldn’t need any help, but instead, Sylvain’s eyes widened. “Are you serious? You’d actually do that for me? After I messed up your assassination attempt?”

Felix didn’t want to admit that it was because he, too, had missed Sylvain and had enjoyed their brief time hunting for ‘the pest’, so he just shrugged and crossed his arms. “I might as well help. Do you want me or not?”

“Okay, okay.” Sylvain made a beeline for the door, Felix running behind him. “You can come in the van.”

***

As they pulled up at the property in question and unloaded Sylvain’s gear, Felix’s mind was whirling. He was trying to make sense of the morning’s events, but more importantly, why he was so eager to spend time with Sylvain. Especially after they’d been so distant for several years, and why _that_ had even happened in the first place, considering how close they’d been at the time…

_Oh._

“Sylvain,” he declared, dropping what he’d been carrying and grabbing Sylvain’s arm to stop him from ringing the doorbell.

Sylvain frowned at him, puzzled as to what Felix could possibly want to say just before entering a house that was allegedly full of bees. “Yeah?”

“Put that stuff down,” he ordered, and when Sylvain bemusedly obliged, Felix undid the seal on his own helmet and tugged it off his head, before doing the same to Sylvain’s.

“Felix, what–”

“You’re such an idiot,” Felix whispered, pushing Sylvain against the front door and pressing their lips together. Sylvain’s lips were soft – and Sylvain was a good kisser – and Felix regretted not kissing him earlier. In fact, he should’ve just kissed him a few years back, instead of repressing his feelings and pushing Sylvain out of his life. Against Sylvain’s lips, Felix murmured, “I’m such an idiot.”

When they broke apart, Sylvain brushed a fingertip against his lips. “Felix…” He shook his head in disbelief. “After we deal with these bees, _please_ let me buy you a coffee. It’s…”

He winked slowly at Felix, who could feel his face heating up after his sudden act of impulse.

“It’s a date, alright?”

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading!!! 
> 
> tumblr: midotaka-is-destiny  
> twitter: meiikoro


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